The Far End of A Long Journey

I kham kvery khappy!  I suck at Raffa impersonation, but the fact still remains -  I am indeed very happy.  At the end of 5 long years, after innumerable vacillations about whether it was the right thing to do, whether I was the right one to do it, whether it was the right time to do it, I finally went into Harris Engineering Building 3, Rm. 102, at 9:30, on April 3rd, 2009.  I couldn’t help but notice the motif of 3 in the numbers.  9:30 –> 9+3 = 12 –> 1+2 = 3.  My defense was to start at 10 and end at 12. 12 –> 3.  Harris Engineering Building 3.  Rm 102 –> 1+0+2 –>3.  I had 5 committee members, of which 4 showed up, one of whom was my advisor. So I was effectively selling my research to 3 committee members.  Call me crazy, but I guess 5 years of “research” trains to see patterns everywhere.  Never mind if they exist only in your thoughts.  Reality is what you make out of random instances.

Any who… the two hours ending at the stroke of 12:13 (there the 3 is again), I got the approval signatures and… and… and… I have never felt so blank in my whole life.  In a good way.  I remembered those days of uncertainty after I got accepted into the PhD program about what my research would be.  I remembered how I had told all my friends every semester that I was closer to graduation, believing sometimes, not believing it at others.  I remembered my time fishing for a problem and facing problems.  I remembered those days with questions.   And I was glad to have answered all of them on the 3rd day of the fourth month.

People have asked me how I felt after the defense.  I thought I would be overwhelmed with joy, sense of achievement, pride, and all the positive emotions overflowing through my  psyche.  I was (and I still am) surprised that the only strong feeling that I have had, is the feeling of relief.  May be I need my family and friends around me telling me that it is a big achievement.  But somehow, I am just glad it is over.  Glad to be ready for the next phase of life.  Glad to be facing the next uncertainty (did I say that too soon??).

But most of all, I hope and wish that getting this degree finally keeps me on the ground, gives me the humility because one of the biggest things I have learnt through my PhD is that you can’t answer all the questions.  There is so much to learn, so much to answer, and so less time.  The only way to be perfect is know that you are imperfect and give yourself time -  to get better.  I hope I get better and better everyday, learning something new, and enjoying it.